Funny Alcohal Quotes

", madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
Winston Churchill

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"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."
Mitch Hedberg
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"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
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"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
Mega Jones
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"The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!"
Danny Jansen
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"Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol."
Anonymous
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"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them."
Terry Pratchett
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"Trumpets are a bit more adventurous; they're drunk! Trumpeters are generally drunk. It wets their whistle."
Paul McCartney
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"It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her."
W.C. Fields
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"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
Anonymous

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"I drink therefore I am."
W.C. Fields
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"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
Henry Youngman
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"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony."
Robert Benchley
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"used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."
Laura Kightlinger
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"When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvellous personality that started you drinking in the first place."
Jimmy Breslin
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"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
Harold Rudolph
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"We drink and we die and continue to drink."
Dennis Leary
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"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
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"A drunk mans words are a sober man's thoughts."
Steve Fergosi
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"But the greatest love--the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another."
Irish love ballad
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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
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"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henny Youngman
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"I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection."
Brian, Family Guy
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"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin
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"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'"
Henny Youngman
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"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
George F. Burns
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"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
William Butler Yeats
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"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
P.J. O'Rourke
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Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
More funny Herman Melville quotes
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No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
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I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
More funny Dean Martin quotes
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
More funny Dean Martin quotes
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There's nothing worse than an introspective drunk.
More funny Tom Sharpe quotes
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I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
More funny George Gobel quotes
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Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
More funny Ernest Hemingway quotes
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I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.
More funny Bette Midler quotes

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“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”

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“You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re a precipitate .”

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.”

“Everyone loves a moose. Some just don’t know it.”

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

“By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.”
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Free Travel

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A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
Beer Troubleshooting Chart

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SYMPTOM…FAULT…ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drinking Codes

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
“Hey give me an ML.” The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
“I’d like a BL.” Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, “Give me
a Fifteen.”

“A Fifteen?” the bartender replies, “What the hell is that?”

“Oh, you know,” the blonde says, “A Seven and Seven.”
Drinking Buddies

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There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. �Shawn,� said Pat, �can you hear me?� Faintly, Shawn replied, �Yes, Paddy, I can.� Bashfully, Pat started, �Do you remember our pact, Shawn?� �Yes, I do Patty,� Shawn strained. �And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?� said Pat. �Yes Patty, I do,� whispered Shawn. ”It’s a very �old� bottle now, you know,� urged Pat. �And what are you gettin’ at Pat?� asked Shawn, briskly. �Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?�
Pat And Mike

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Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat
“We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor?
Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replied, “I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”
Arthritis

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”
Official Drinking Test

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This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
Wine with a Fly

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A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.
Temperance Lecture

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Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland’s top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, “Now my friends, what does this tell us?”

Jock piped up, “If you drink whisky you’ll not be bothered by worms!”



First Offense

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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
“Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
“I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”
Three Brothers

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
Irish Declare War On France

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The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Smart Dog

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Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Live Long

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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O’Gradys!”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”
My Two Brothers

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
One Wish

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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”
Driving Home Drunk

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Bad Bathroom Experience

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Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.”

The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?” Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

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Staggering Drunk

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Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he’d done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

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Drinking Politics

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A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.”

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!”

“Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.”

“That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”

“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.

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Abducted

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Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

“Ted, you look awful. What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

Ted says, “Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?”

Everyone is shocked. “I heard about this kind of thing happening!” Bills says. “What did the alien do to you?”

“I don’t remeber all the details,” Ted says. “All I remember is being anally probed by the alien.”

Everyone is horrified. “I heard that they’ll do that!” Steve says. “What did the alien look like?”

Ted responds, “Carl.”
Nun in the Bathroom

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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”
Lost at Sea

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Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, ?I wish the ocean was made of beer.? Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, ?Way to go asshole! Now we have to piss in the boat!?
Drinks for Jesus

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An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. “Hey,” he says, looking down the bar, “is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey?is that God?s Boy down there?” The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian?s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, “Don?t touch me! I?m drawing disability!”Yes